So, according to the official version—you know, that ancient bestseller—Adam’s first sin was disobedience. God said, “Don’t touch that tree,” and Adam, of course, touched the tree. And somehow, poor Eve took the blame for the whole thing. That’s how the classic tale goes. But honestly? Adam’s real sin wasn’t disobedience—it was straight-up negligence. And frankly, it wasn’t Eve’s fault at all.

And this isn’t the only plot hole in the ancient bestseller. There are plenty of things that just don’t add up between what the story says and, well… reality.

Look, I’m not an anthropologist. I’m not here to argue whether Adam and Eve existed. I’m cool with the idea that Adam was the first guy, and Eve was his partner. But the forbidden fruit story? Let’s be real—it sounds like something the storyteller came up with five minutes before bedtime. Whoever wrote it wasn’t exactly winning awards for narrative genius.

First off: Eve didn’t bite an apple. She didn’t hand Adam a shiny red fruit and say, “Here, babe, try this.” And why would God, who literally planted the tree, forbid them from eating from it? That’s like setting up a buffet and then slapping a sign on the dessert table that says, “Touch this and you’re fired.” Of all the temptations Satan could’ve picked—power, immortality, a private island—he went with… fruit? Really?

Also, apples? Come on. Today, apples are practically health food royalty: “An apple a day keeps the doctor away.” Newton discovered gravity under one. Apples aren’t dangerous. If anything, they’re boring. And Eden supposedly had every fruit imaginable. You’re telling me, surrounded by mangoes, pineapples, dragon fruits, and figs, Eve chose an apple? Weak.

And Eden itself? It’s described as paradise: crystal rivers, fragrant flowers, colorful birds, butterflies everywhere. Sounds nice… for a weekend. Honestly, it sounds like nature’s version of a quiet Airbnb. Sure, peaceful and pretty, but after a few days? You’d want Wi-Fi, Netflix, maybe a pool with a swim-up bar. Adam and Eve probably ran out of things to do after yoga and naming animals.

Now, Satan? Oh, Satan was bitter. Adam had everything. God’s golden boy, living the dream. And Satan wanted payback. But here’s the twist: Satan didn’t tempt Eve because she was greedy. She wasn’t chasing riches or power. She was lonely. Adam was off meditating or alphabetizing animals, leaving Eve alone with nothing but clouds and butterflies for company. She just wanted someone to talk to.

Enter Satan: ultimate smooth talker. He didn’t show up with horns and a pitchfork. Nope. He showed up like that fabulous friend who always knows the best gossip and brings the good wine. Eve wasn’t seduced by evil—she just needed a buddy. (And for the record: no romantic drama here. In this version, Satan’s absolutely fabulous—and totally gay. Think fashion consultant, not tempter of souls.)

One day, while Adam was off hanging out with Gabriel—probably deep in some philosophical conversation like “Why do mosquitoes even exist?” or “What’s the meaning of belly buttons?”—Satan invited Eve to a party. “A welcome party,” he said. Finally, social interaction! Satan gathered his glamorous crew, opened a giant fancy box, and inside? Chocolates. Heart-shaped chocolates, drizzled with caramel, topped with strawberries.

Eve picked one up, staring at it. “I shouldn’t,” she said. “Adam doesn’t let me eat sweets. Gotta watch my figure. Don’t want oily skin, bloating, breakouts…”

Everyone stared. Satan leaned in with a grin. “Oh darling, please. One bite won’t hurt. Look at us—we’ve been eating these for years and we’re still fabulous!”

The aroma was heavenly. Everyone waited. Eve hesitated… then sighed, closed her eyes—and bit the chocolate.

And just like that, the first temptation wasn’t an apple. It was chocolate.

Then the Mythical Fall happened!

But that’s a story for another time. My point? Chocolates are dangerous. Not just for anyone counting calories, but as sneaky tools of temptation. Ever wonder why stunning women sometimes end up with guys nowhere near their league? Blame the imported chocolates. The sweetness fades—and suddenly Prince Charming’s looking a lot more like Prince Meh.

Unlike apples, temptations aren’t healthy. They’re like chocolates: sweet, irresistible, wrapped up pretty. But you don’t know what’s inside until you unwrap it. And once you’ve tasted it? Well, sometimes it leaves more than a sugar rush.

So remember: Eve wasn’t the only one tempted. We all are. Eat no chocolate; yield to no temptation.